walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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