she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
