Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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