When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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