i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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