Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
