There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
you had me at cake vodka
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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