I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
