come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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