The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
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