so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Semen is not good for contacts.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
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