somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
