his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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