Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Randomize
