shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
