I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
