If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
