I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
It's never too late to be topless.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
