I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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