I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
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