just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
