those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
