I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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