So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
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Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
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I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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