the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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