If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
