it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Randomize
