Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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