I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
