I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
