Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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