I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
