im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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