You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.