Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
