Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Pants are for mortals
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
