I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I think my vagina is haunted
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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