Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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