the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
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