Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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