hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
