All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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