his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
false alarm. still invincible.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
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My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
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There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
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