Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
