I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
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At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
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Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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