I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
