i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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