He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
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