Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
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