You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
