sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
