I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
