When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
