i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
