i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
