Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
