checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
