i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Congratulations! We have a period
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
