I don't usually arrange sex via text message
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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